If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
