if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
