Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
