Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
