just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
