i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
