I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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