five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
