I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
