Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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