I am puke
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
