Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
