Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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