I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Randomize
