never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
