He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
