I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
