wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
