just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
