mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
