Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
