So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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