I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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