I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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