Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
