And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
