we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
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