sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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