either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
