Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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