highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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