Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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