is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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