I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
