a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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