All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
