I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
