living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
