Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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