If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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