She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
