But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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