i wish starbucks made bloody marys
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
