I just threw up on my dentist
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
