she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
