You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
