He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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