You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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