Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
