On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
