i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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