Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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