I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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