Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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