Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
then he tried to convert me to islam
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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