Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
